watan najjar, born today in the uk, the picture was posted by his father ghassan in palestine who is only able to see his first-born son via pictures and videos
palestine…. my friend jess just gave birth to little watan najjar in some hospital in the UK. and i’m torn between feeling very happy for them, happy that watan is finally here, out of the belly of his beautiful mother, to interact with whoever is near him, that he is well, that she is (i hope) well, and between feeling extremely angry and exasperated at the reality that her husband ghassan could not be with them, not during most of the pregnancy, not now during the birth, and not in the days and weeks and months to come. i am angry that he won’t be able to hold his son, to sooth him when he cries, to change his diapers, to smell him, to have him fall asleep on his chest, to go for a walk with his son, to hug his beautiful wife who just gave birth for the first time, to get up at night when his son is crying again, etc.
i am angry that ghassan will only see watan in pictures and videos and on skype until watan is a bit older and jess dares to make the trip to palestine and risk that the two get held at the airport and then deported back to the uk.
it’s not like i didn’t know this was going to happen. we knew we knew we KNEW that the UK shit “immigration” politics would prevent ghassan from being in the UK with his wife, and we knew that the zionists’ arbitrary and yet so racist politics (of ethnic cleansing of palestinians) meant that jess was not going to make the unsure journey to palestine at such a pregnant stage without garanties of safe entry. we knew that ghassan would be stuck to his computer and phone when jess is in hospital, going crazy in his village, hoping for good news. just like he did a few weeks ago, when she had to be hospitalized and he didn’t know if everything was ok with her and the baby until she was well enough to get online and let him know. we knew he wouldn’t be there when all ideas people came up with didn’t lead anywhere and we were left with the resignation to this aweful reality of separation. we knew all this, but when i finally see the picture of beautiful watan that ghassan posted so proudly today, i am still so angry.
i get especially angry when i think of my tiny nephew who was born less than two months ago and who needs constant attention and love, when i think of his mother and my brother who appear to be constantly exhausted from tending to the needs of their firstborn son (and who are yet unable to stay away from him). when i think of my brother’s wife, who tells everyone how amazing my brother was during the labor and birth, how much it helped her whenever he pressed her hand during contractions and reminded her to breath, 21, 22, and helped her to stay calm. when i think of how sad i was that i was not in the country when my nephew was born and only saw him two weeks later for the first time. when i think of how much we all miss this tiny person who either cries, looks cute, “eats”, shits or sleeps, how we all crowd around him when he sleeps or when he gets breastfed, waiting for him to wake up and hold him a few minutes before he starts crying again or before he falls asleep again.
i am sad and angry when i think of how ghassan and his sisters, his brothers, his mother and father and friends cannot crowd around watan, cannot take turns holding him and watch his every little move.
i want to just be able to say “mabrouk” on such a day and extend my wishes that he may grow up with both his father and mother nearby and may he be healthy and happy, etc., but once again, i cannot come to terms with this overwhelming feeling of impotence.
habibti jess o akhuy ya ghassan, i do hope that you will be able to be together very soon and for the rest of your hopefully long and healthy lives, but when i write this, i also remember that one reason why you two decided to have a baby right after you got married when you met up in jordan was that belinda wanted to start your family before you might get arrested again, ghassan, and maybe spend years away in prison, and then i get stuck right where i was when i started this post.
i know you are happy, though, i know the emotions of having your son are so strong that you are much better capable of actually accepting the unchangeable facts, and i am happy for you as well. i hope to see all three of you soon. much love and respect you strong people.